We had our youngest son baptized in the Catholic Church over the weekend. For most people this is would be cause for celebration. But for me, this has stirred up many conflicting feelings and thoughts but right now disappointment is the prevailing one. Having grown up in the Catholic faith and going to Catholic schools I know very well what takes place at a baptism and what they are for. See, the Catholic church and as far as I know most of your Christian churches believe that we are all born with the stain of Adam and Eves original sin and baptizing our children is the only way to remove it and to therefore claim the child for Christ.
I have very fundamental problems with this rationalization and first and foremost: I do not think my son was born with a flaw in his moral character. He doesn’t sleep at night and he destroys cell phone like no other but I don’t think he’s a sinner…not yet. And it seems unfair to pin the choice of some ancient ancestor on him doesn’t it?
I generally am a live and let live kind of guy when it comes to religion. We do not regularly go to church which I guess is to say that regularly we don’t go. But when it came to the decision to baptize our kids I always felt it was some sort of formality that one goes through. I went through countless such formalities as a child that all the grown ups in my life found important. I often found them mundane and sometimes confusing. Now here I am subjecting my own kid to something that makes no logical or emotional sense to me and you know why I do this? Just in case. Yup, my wife and I would hate like hell to be wrong on this one.
So I sat there in church in the front row reserved for just us. My wife and I can be terrible procrastinators and it clearly wasn’t that important to us so most of the Mass one of us was wrestling with the now 16 month old child. The priest says at the beginning of the service that this is a special day because “God will come and baptize (my son).” This prompts my oldest son not quite 5 to ask later on why “God isn’t on the stage?” The priest goes through most of the mass and I spend most my time trying to stop the most determined toddler on the planet from climbing the kneeler in front of us and escaping. Parents reading this will relate to the arching back and dead weight trick that a child will do in an act of non-compliance. I feel the members of the church casting looks in our direction and I can almost hear the judgments of the more faithful. .
Secondary to all the commotion in our pew I catch myself instinctively reciting all the prayers, creeds and responses. Years of avoiding the church haven’t erased my memory and suddenly my brain thinks it’s school mass Friday all over again. My parents are there and I know they are proud. My sister and brother in law will be the godparents. My oldest son is being an absolute angel in this strange environment where everything is a mystery. This is good right? If nothing else its at least benign I figure.
Father gestures for us to approach the altar. Its time to do some baptizing. I wrangle the worlds strongest and most stubborn baby and carry him to where the large bowl of water is waiting. The priest anoints him with oils and my boy doesn’t protest but when its time to lean him over the water he fights and squirms and kicks. “In the name of the father,” the priest cups water of my sons head with his hand “…and of the son,” another splash and my son is now screaming “and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.” It’s done. My guy is mad and wet but I know that won’t last. But I feel icky.
There is a good chance that I am a terrible dad and husband. I may be slightly evil or possessed though I don’t think I actually believe in such phenomenon. But for whatever shortcomings I may have I am a man of conviction. And on that day I sold out. What is worse is that I sold out my son and the instant the water hit his head I knew it. My arcane fear drove me to allow someone to claim my child for the Church and for Christ. Had my son not lived to be baptized that same church teaches that he would have to spend an eternity in purgatory until the second coming of Christ. Am I the only one who sees this as unfair? Even Catholics have to question this. And after I question it I think “but what if I am wrong?”
Then I read things like this and I almost want to “claim,” my child back.
This will pass and really my boy wont know any different. I just hope if he finds God and even a Church that it isn’t out of fear for being wrong.
